Hey y'all!
I just had a random thought and I felt like writing about it. But before I get into, I'd first like to apologize for the inconsistency. Y'all know how life be (but I'm back for real this time lol).
But anyways, that random thought... so basically, I just got some news from my mother that she seemed excited to share about. And, of course, I was happy for her, but for some reason, I didn't really know how to express that. So, I just said, "that's good" in a very unenthusiastic way, which I swear I didn't mean anything by. But now, I can't help but think that she may have felt some type of way by the lack of my enthusiasm. So obviously instead of talking to her, I was going to keep the thoughts to myself (but I decided that maybe I should just write about how I feel, instead of keeping to myself).
This random experience made me realize a few things:
1. I don't think that I know how to express positive emotions. When people tell me things that they're excited about, for some strange reason, I don't know how to be as enthusiastic in real life as I am in my head.
2. I don't think that I'm able to make positive connections with people.
3. I have such a lack of enthusiasm on the outside, even though on the inside, I know for a fact that I am happy for people. (I swear there's no jealousy or anything around this way. As I said before, I really struggle to express my excitement for things, specifically for other people and even for myself).
I don't wanna rap too much, but all I can think about is "why?". Why don't I know how to show excitement for other people? Why can't I connect to people (at least in the way that I feel like I should? Why can't/don't my expressions show people that I am happy? Do other people feel this way about me?
A part of me feels like I'm probably not trying hard enough. Another part of me feels like maybe there is just something seriously wrong with me, like I'm just seriously messed up and I can't be fixed.
And then, there's the dreadful (idk if this is the best word to describe what I mean, but I can't think of another one) thought that I'm probably going to spend the rest of my life alone, hugely because of this. I feel like I'm not really able to connect with people. So, I guess unfortunately I won't have any life-long relationships (whether it is romantic, familial, or platonic). Damn... that kinda sucks, lol.
Welp, I usually like to end on a positive note, but idk how to end this positively. I guess I hope nobody else feels the same way (but if you do, maybe let me know, it's feeling kinda lonely over here 😂).
Enjoy the rest of your day/week/weekend!
Love,
G💕
(PS. This is the first time that I‘ve written a post this fast and posted it in the same sitting so don't mind if it feels rushed)
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